Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.