Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
You Might Also Like
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.