“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Just a friendly reminder!
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to