prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Boom, boom, ching!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.