20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
You Might Also Like
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
bias laundering edition
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
happy valentine’s day to me
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.