Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?