If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
The news
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.