My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
You Might Also Like
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
that colleague who touches your screen
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Ape together strong
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.