*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim