“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Jail
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.