God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
You Might Also Like
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.