People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.