FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
my fav colour is also hitler
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…