i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
so this horse walks into a bar
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!