[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Covid like
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.