Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.