When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
God has abandoned us.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Pandas 🐼🖤
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.