Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
You Might Also Like
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats