The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?