Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.