Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.