Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”