Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
time machine? you mean a clock?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.