Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you