[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
What a year we’ve had this week.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?