#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”