When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Friday
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
cats when you pet them too long:
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.