she has a point
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
when you are just born a rebel
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My love language is hissing.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.