If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.