The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks