My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?