My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
There is no “we” in pizza
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble