[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
This has made my week.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I falcon love using swear birds
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.