Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?