If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
sir, my pâté if you please
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.