The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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Finally!
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
c’mon!
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I like crazy people until they notice me
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.