i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
buys donuts instead
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.