The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.