Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Got him!
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
#NoRestForTheWicked
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio