George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit