—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My favorite female superhero
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”