If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Just me?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.