Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.