The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*