I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”