[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
The three genders.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.