Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”