No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
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Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.