It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
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Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Yes
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Every time.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away