My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: